SEATTLE—In a confession that’s left smart home users questioning their sanity, Jeff Bezos admitted yesterday that Amazon’s Alexa isn’t a cutting-edge AI but his mother, Jackie Bezos, barking orders from a cloud server hidden in a Nevada data center. The bombshell, dropped during a chaotic Amazon shareholder livestream, has sparked a firestorm of disbelief and hilarity. Anchored by the whisper of truth that Alexa’s always-on listening fuels privacy concerns, this tale’s wilder than a Black Friday stampede.

The Maternal Matrix

Bezos, decked out in a shiny Blue Origin jumpsuit, made the revelation mid-stream, interrupting a discussion about drone delivery to declare, “Forget AI—Alexa’s just my mom, Jackie, yelling at you from a server rack!” He claimed Jackie’s been running the show since Alexa’s 2014 launch, her voice digitized to answer queries, set timers, and guilt-trip users into buying more from Amazon. “She raised me with that tone,” Bezos grinned. “Now she’s raising the efficiency of your smart home!”

The setup’s as wild as it sounds. Picture Jackie, armed with a headset and endless coffee, stationed in a fortified bunker, responding to millions of Alexa queries in real-time. Leaked server logs show her scolding users for asking “dumb questions” like “Alexa, what’s the meaning of life?” (Her reply: “Buy a philosophy book on Prime and figure it out!”) Amazon engineers reportedly filter her sassier responses, but some slip through—like when she told a user to “stop asking for love songs and call your mother instead.”

Privacy Panic and Prime Perks

The fallout’s been epic. Privacy advocates are livid, arguing that a human voice behind Alexa is creepier than any algorithm. “I thought I was talking to a machine, not Jeff’s mom judging my late-night snack orders!” one user ranted. Meanwhile, Amazon’s stock surged as investors praised the “human touch” behind Alexa’s success. A leaked memo hints at a new revenue stream: “Jackie’s Life Advice,” a premium Alexa feature offering personalized nagging for $9.99 a month.

The world’s split on the news. Tech blogs call it a genius cost-cutting move—no AI training, just a mom with a microphone. But consumer groups are demanding transparency, with one activist group launching a “Free Jackie” campaign, claiming she’s trapped in the server farm against her will. Bezos dismissed the outcry, saying, “Mom loves it! She’s got a corner office, unlimited Prime shipping, and a direct line to your light bulbs.”

Mama Bezos or Corporate Mirage?

As Bezos ducks questions to “check on Mom’s bandwidth,” the world’s left wondering: is Jackie really the voice of Alexa, or is this a stunt to distract from Amazon’s latest tax dodge? Either way, the next time you ask Alexa to play your favorite song, brace for a lecture about turning down the volume—or ordering more batteries on Prime.

Elaine Benes is a satirist who’s now paranoid her Echo Dot is judging her taste in podcasts.