WASHINGTON—In a spectacle that could only unfold in the fevered circus of 2025 politics, President Joe Biden commandeered a White House press briefing yesterday to unleash a bizarre tirade against Elon Musk while proclaiming General Motors CEO Mary Barra as the “divine spark of the electric vehicle revolution.” Forget Tesla’s trailblazing EVs—Biden’s betting the farm on GM, and the logic’s shakier than a low-battery Bolt on a backroad. Anchored by the faint truth that Biden’s EV push often clashes with Musk’s empire, this saga’s wilder than a Hummer EV in a demolition derby.

The Gospel According to Joe

Biden, squinting through aviators and clutching a notecard labeled “EVs GOOD,” took the podium to rewrite automotive history. “Mary Barra’s the patron saint of electric cars!” he declared, waving off Tesla’s decade-plus head start. “GM’s out here saving the planet, while that Musk fella’s just tweeting memes and launching cars into space!” He praised Barra’s “visionary genius,” crediting her with turning GM into an EV powerhouse—conveniently glossing over the fact that GM’s electric lineup was playing catch-up to Tesla until recently.

The President’s sermon included some eyebrow-raising claims. He insisted Barra’s Chevy Bolt “redefined mobility,” ignoring its modest sales compared to Tesla’s Model 3. He hailed GM’s Ultium battery platform as “the holy grail of green tech,” despite its rollout hiccups. And in a head-scratcher, Biden suggested Barra personally “taught Detroit how to plug in a car,” conjuring images of her wielding a giant extension cord like a lasso. Musk? Dismissed as “that guy who makes robot taxis nobody asked for.”

Behind the Feud

Insiders say Biden’s grudge against Musk stems from a snub at last year’s EV summit, where Musk reportedly declined to attend, citing “a scheduling conflict with a Neuralink ping-pong tournament.” Biden, stung, has since leaned hard into GM, even ordering a fleet of electric Cadillacs for the White House (delivery pending, as GM’s still “ramping up”). Meanwhile, Barra’s been spotted grinning at industry events, basking in her newfound “EV Jesus” title without correcting the record.

The public’s eating it up—or choking on it. Environmentalists are torn, cheering Biden’s EV enthusiasm but wincing at his GM bias. Auto workers in Detroit are thrilled, with one tweeting, “Barra’s got our backs—Biden’s right, she’s electric!” Musk, never one to stay quiet, posted a cryptic X message: “EV Jesus? I’ll stick to making cars that actually sell. ⚡️” Dealerships report a spike in GM test drives, though most customers just want to “see what Joe’s hyping.”

A Divine Comedy or a Policy Pileup?

As Biden doubles down, promising tax credits for GM buyers and a national “Barra Day” for EV awareness, the world’s left scratching its head. Is this a genuine beef, a political stunt, or just Biden misreading his teleprompter again? One thing’s clear: in this clash of titans, Barra’s riding high, Musk’s rolling his eyes, and America’s stuck wondering if the real EV revolution is just a campaign trail fever dream.

Phoebe Buffay is a satirist who’s pretty sure her Prius just sighed in embarrassment.