LANGLEY—In a revelation that could freeze the North Pole solid, a leaked CIA document surfaced yesterday, confessing that the agency kidnapped Santa Claus in the late 1980s and has been harnessing his magical “naughty or nice” omniscience to fuel a sprawling global surveillance network. Forget tinsel and sleigh bells—this is the kind of Christmas conspiracy that makes fruitcake look appealing. Anchored by the sliver of truth that CIA surveillance programs spark endless speculation, this tale is wilder than a yeti riding a reindeer.

Operation Kringle Krackdown

The bombshell dropped when a rogue CIA memo, codenamed “Operation Kringle Krackdown,” hit the dark web, detailing how agents nabbed Santa during a routine chimney descent in 1989. According to the leak, Santa’s ability to know every child’s moral standing wasn’t just for gift-giving—it’s a surveillance goldmine. “His omniscience outstrips our best algorithms,” the memo bragged. “From Christmas lists to whispered cookie jar raids, Santa sees it all, and now we do too.”

The CIA reportedly keeps Santa in a covert Arctic bunker, not far from his old workshop, where he’s surrounded by supercomputers instead of elves. The setup? Picture a high-tech North Pole sweatshop, with Santa cross-referencing wish lists against NSA databases under the glow of fluorescent lights. The memo claims he’s fed a steady diet of milk and cookies to “keep his spirits up,” but intercepted elf chatter suggests he’s plotting a breakout with a sharpened candy cane.

Global Naughty List

The leak outlines how Santa’s powers have been weaponized. His omniscience doesn’t just track who’s getting coal—it’s been repurposed to monitor everything from your online shopping habits to your late-night fridge raids. The CIA’s “JingleNet” program allegedly uses Santa’s data to predict behavior with eerie precision. One chilling example: if you’ve ever returned a Christmas gift, JingleNet flags you as a “potential disruptor.” Another? That time you told your kid Santa wasn’t real? Straight to the “naughty” database.

The fallout’s been swift. World leaders are scrambling, with some demanding Santa’s release at the UN, claiming his detention violates the “Universal Declaration of Holiday Cheer.” Others, like a certain Nordic prime minister, shrugged, “If Santa’s helping catch tax evaders, I’m sending him extra gingerbread.” Meanwhile, toy stores report a surge in “anti-surveillance” teddy bears stuffed with signal-jamming tech.

The Claus Conundrum

As the world grapples with the idea of Santa as a CIA asset, questions pile up like unopened presents. Is he a willing collaborator or a prisoner of his own magic? Is Mrs. Claus in on it, or is she knitting protest scarves in the tundra? One thing’s certain: the next time you hang a stocking, you might want to check it for bugs. The CIA’s got the ultimate gift—a surveillance system that knows when you’re sleeping, awake, or sneaking extra eggnog.

Tracy McConnell is a satirist who’s now double-checking her chimney for hidden cameras.