GLOBAL BARKQUARTERS—In a tail-wagging coup that’s left humanity gobsmacked, a council of dogs led by a shaggy golden retriever named Lord Biscuit von Fluffington declared yesterday that canines have been secretly steering civilization since the days of ancient Sumeria. Broadcasting from a fortified kennel via a hacked satellite feed, Lord Biscuit demanded humans ditch their cat obsession and pledge allegiance to their canine overlords. Anchored by the sliver of truth that dogs have been humanity’s loyal sidekicks for ages, this yarn’s wilder than a poodle at a frisbee tournament.

The Great Canine Cabal

Lord Biscuit, decked out in a velvet cape and chewing a ceremonial bone, laid out the canine masterplan during a chaotic livestream dubbed “Paws of Power.” “Humans, you’ve been played!” he barked, eyes gleaming with mischief. “We domesticated you, not the other way around. From inventing fire to rigging elections, dogs have been the brains behind it all!” He claims canines orchestrated everything from the pyramids (built to store giant bones) to Wi-Fi (designed for faster treat-delivery apps), while cats have been coasting on their “cute” reputation.

The evidence? Biscuit points to a secret canine archive, hidden under a dog park in Geneva, containing paw-printed scrolls that allegedly outline their global takeover. Highlights include a beagle drafting the Magna Carta, a corgi advising Cleopatra on PR, and a labrador inventing the wheel “because rolling balls are fun.” As for cats, Biscuit scoffed, “They just knock stuff off tables and call it chaos. We’re out here shaping empires!”

The Furry Fallout

The announcement unleashed pandemonium. Dog lovers flooded the internet with videos of their pets “acting suspiciously presidential,” while cat enthusiasts fired back with GIFs of felines looking unimpressed. A viral post claimed a schnauzer was caught “rewriting Wikipedia to credit dogs for the Renaissance.” Retailers reported a surge in dog treat sales, while catnip stocks plummeted. Meanwhile, a rogue chihuahua in Mexico briefly hijacked a local news broadcast to demand “more belly rubs, less TikTok dances.”

World leaders are scrambling. A German shepherd ambassador (self-appointed) addressed the UN, demanding dogs get voting rights and a ban on vacuum cleaners. Skeptics, however, smell a prank, with one analyst quipping, “If dogs run the world, why’s my spaniel still scared of the mailman?” Lord Biscuit dismissed the naysayers: “Keep worshipping those lazy furballs. We’ll be over here running your banks and chasing our tails.”

Bow-Wow or Bluff?

As Lord Biscuit retreats to his “strategic bone bunker” to plan the next phase of canine dominance, humanity’s left wondering: are dogs really our secret rulers, or is this the ultimate shaggy-dog story? Either way, the next time your pup gives you that look, you might want to toss an extra treat—your global overlord might be watching.

Robert "Bob" Kelso is a satirist who’s now suspicious his terrier’s been filing his taxes.