MIAMI—In a plot twist wilder than a day trader’s fever dream, get-rich-quick guru Tony “Cash King” Robbins (no relation to the other guy) confessed yesterday that he skyrocketed to billionaire status after accidentally following the advice in his own book, Millionaires Mentor Morons. Now, in a panic to keep his “secret sauce” exclusive, he’s offering thousands to buy back every copy from his followers. Anchored by the faint truth that self-help wealth schemes often promise more than they deliver, this saga’s zanier than a crypto pump-and-dump.

The Golden Goose Blunder

Tony, decked out in a velvet suit and dripping in gold chains, made the announcement at a Miami penthouse party, broadcast live on a shady streaming app. “I wrote Millionaires Mentor Morons to scam—er, inspire—the masses, but then I read it, and poof! I’m swimming in billions!” he bragged, tossing copies of his book into a champagne fountain. “My five-step plan—‘Think Rich, Act Richer’—was a fluke, but it worked! Now I’m buying back every copy so you don’t steal my throne!”

The book’s secret? A bizarre mix of “manifestation mantras” and “leverage loopholes” Tony claims he stumbled upon while “meditating in a hot tub full of Bitcoin.” One leaked chapter advises readers to “bribe your subconscious with caviar dreams” and “network with billionaires at yacht karaoke nights.” Tony insists it was meant as satire, but when he tried it, his net worth exploded overnight. Now, he’s offering $5,000 per copy to keep the formula under wraps, claiming, “I can’t have every barista becoming a tycoon!”

The Billion-Dollar Backlash

The news hit like a stock market crash. Fans who paid $29.99 for the book are torn between selling it back to Tony or holding out for their own billions. Online forums are ablaze with theories about the “secret sauce,” with one user claiming it’s “a pyramid scheme disguised as a vision board.” Others are auctioning their copies on dark-web marketplaces, with bids hitting six figures. Meanwhile, Tony’s been spotted chartering private jets to track down rare first editions, reportedly stashed in thrift stores and grandma’s attics.

The chaos has sparked a global treasure hunt. A Tokyo book club claims they cracked the book’s code and are now “manifesting private islands,” while a Florida retiree insists Tony offered her a Maserati for her dog-eared copy. Critics call it a publicity stunt, with one economist quipping, “If Tony’s plan works, why’s he panicking? Sounds like a classic grift.” Tony’s unfazed, boasting, “I’m the only one who deserves this wealth. The rest of you can keep hustling at your day jobs.”

Billionaire or Book-Burning Bust?

As Tony ramps up his buyback campaign, rumors swirl that he’s planning to shred the books in a “ceremonial wealth bonfire” to ensure no one else gets rich. Is he a genius who stumbled on a financial holy grail, or a conman desperate to cover his tracks? One thing’s certain: if Millionaires Mentor Morons is the key to billions, you might want to check your bookshelf before Tony’s goons show up with a briefcase full of cash.

Barney Stinson is a satirist who’s now rereading his self-help collection with a calculator in hand.