MOUNTAIN VIEW—In a revelation that’s got tech nerds and conspiracy buffs alike questioning their browsers, Google CEO Sundar Pichai admitted yesterday that the company’s vaunted search engine has been secretly powered by a warehouse full of Magic 8-Balls since 2003. Forget algorithms—these plastic orbs are dishing out your search results, from “best tacos near me” to “are aliens real?” The bombshell, leaked through a whistleblower’s encrypted chat, has left the internet shook. Anchored by the faint truth that Google’s search mechanics are a black box, this story’s wilder than a pop-up ad you can’t close.

The Oracle of Silicon Valley

Pichai, looking suspiciously zen in a minimalist hoodie, spilled the tea during a low-key company podcast that somehow ended up on a public server. “We ditched complex code for Magic 8-Balls years ago,” he confessed, cradling a shiny black orb labeled “Search Sage.” “You type a query, we shake an 8-Ball, and it spits out wisdom like ‘Reply hazy, try again’ or ‘Signs point to yes.’ It’s cheap, it’s mystic, it’s Google!” He claims the switch happened when a junior engineer jokingly tested an 8-Ball against their algorithm—and the orb won.

The setup’s absurdly simple. Picture a climate-controlled vault in Mountain View, packed with thousands of 8-Balls on robotic arms, each shaking furiously to answer your queries. A leaked memo reveals the balls handle everything from recipe searches to existential questions, with occasional glitches like suggesting “Ask again later” for “how to fix my car.” Pichai insists the system’s 99% accurate, “unless you’re asking about quantum physics, then it’s more like vibes-based.”

Internet Chaos and Cosmic Queries

The confession sparked a digital uproar. Tech blogs are freaking out, with headlines screaming, “Google’s Been Toying With Us!” Conspiracy forums are smug, claiming vindication after years of “8-Ball truthers” being mocked. A viral clip shows a barista Googling “how to get rich” and getting “Don’t count on it,” prompting her to quit her job on the spot. Meanwhile, SEO hustlers are scrambling, unsure how to optimize for a toy that answers “Outlook not so good” to half their keywords.

Public reaction’s a mess. Some users love the quirky charm, with one tweeting, “My 8-Ball search for ‘best date ideas’ said ‘Better not tell you now’—honest!” Others are livid, demanding refunds for Google Ads that apparently funded a “mystic toy empire.” Competitors like Bing are circling, with Microsoft hinting at a “Magic 8-Ball-free search” campaign. Pichai’s response? “Keep typing your questions. The orbs know more than you think.”

Shaking Truth or Corporate Prank?

As Google scrambles to spin this as “innovative simplicity,” questions pile up like unanswered searches. Are Magic 8-Balls really running the show, or is this a wild PR stunt to distract from privacy scandals? Is your next Google result cosmic wisdom or just a plastic toy’s guess? One thing’s clear: if Google’s betting on 8-Balls, you might want to double-check that “best pizza” result before you order.

Jim Halpert is a satirist who’s now asking his Magic 8-Ball if Google’s telling the truth.