HOLLYWOOD—In a revelation that could slice through adamantium, a leaked Disney email chain surfaced yesterday exposing that Hugh Jackman, the eternally jacked Wolverine, signed a secret deal to play the mutant hero until he’s 90 years old, despite his public waffling about returning for Deadpool & Wolverine. The Aussie star’s “reluctance” was apparently a Hollywood smokescreen, as Disney’s iron grip ensures he’ll be snarling and slashing well into his twilight years. Anchored by the sliver of truth that Jackman’s MCU comeback sparked wild speculation, this tale’s crazier than a berserker rage in a comic book shop.

The Forever Logan Contract

The bombshell dropped when a rogue Disney intern posted the emails online, revealing a deal codenamed “Project Eternal Claws.” Signed in 2011 after X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the contract binds Jackman to portray Logan across films, cameos, and even VR experiences until 2058. “Hugh’s our mutant for life,” one email from a Disney exec gloats. “His ‘I’m done’ act was just to build hype—those claws aren’t retiring anytime soon!” The deal reportedly includes a clause requiring Jackman to maintain his signature Wolverine physique, with Disney supplying a personal trainer and an endless stash of protein shakes.

The logistics are bonkers. Picture Jackman, at 80, filming fight scenes with CGI-enhanced claws while a team of nutritionists monitors his kale intake. The emails hint at a “Wolverine Legacy Arc,” with planned sequels like Wolverine vs. Time and Logan’s Last Stand: 2045. To keep him game-ready, Disney’s allegedly developing a “mutant rejuvenation pod” to keep Jackman’s healing factor IRL. His only out? A loophole allowing retirement if he defeats Ryan Reynolds in a televised arm-wrestling match—good luck with that.

Fandom Frenzy and Claw-Some Chaos

The leak sent fans into a tailspin. Marvel diehards flooded online forums with mock-ups of a 90-year-old Wolverine battling Kang the Conqueror, while skeptics cried foul, with one tweeting, “Hugh at 90? He’ll need a walker, not claws!” A viral video of Jackman deadlifting at 56 fueled the hype, captioned, “Disney’s got him jacked forever!” Meanwhile, theater chains are salivating, projecting record ticket sales for Wolverine: Silver Claws in 2050.

The backlash is real, though. Some fans accuse Disney of “exploiting Hugh’s abs for profit,” while others praise the commitment, with a Reddit thread hailing him as “the eternal X-Man.” Ryan Reynolds chimed in with a cryptic post: “Hugh’s claws are sharper than Disney’s lawyers.” Internationally, Aussie fans are proud, but a UK critic snarked, “If Hugh’s still Wolverine at 90, I’m canceling my Disney+.” Disney’s response? A smug promise of “Wolverine in every multiverse, forever.”

Claws for Life or Corporate Cage?

As Disney doubles down, teasing a Wolverine 2099 animated series, the world’s left wondering: is Jackman thrilled to be the eternal Logan, or trapped in a mutant mortgage? Is this a masterplan for MCU domination, or a PR stunt to juice Deadpool & Wolverine hype? One thing’s certain: if Huge Jacked Man’s slashing until 90, the only thing more indestructible than his claws is Disney’s grip on his contract.

Percival Ulysses "Perry" Cox is a satirist who’s now paranoid his gym buddy is a Disney plant prepping him for X-Men: The Retirement Home.