LOS ANGELES—In a proclamation wilder than a YZY runway meltdown, Kanye West, now Ye, declared yesterday that he invented the internet in the 1990s not for global connectivity, but to create a digital empire for his Yeezy sneakers. The bombshell, dropped during a chaotic livestream from his Calabasas studio, has tech historians dumbfounded and sneakerheads ready to anoint him the godfather of cyberspace. Anchored by the sliver of truth that Ye’s known for his audacious claims, this story’s crazier than a sold-out Yeezy drop.

The Yeezy-Net Origin Story

Ye, draped in an oversized Yeezy parka and glowing with visionary fervor, laid out his tale on a glitchy video feed. “The internet? That’s my baby!” he shouted, brandishing a sketchpad covered in doodles of sneakers and binary code. “I cooked up the web in ‘94 to make sure every soul on Earth could cop my Yeezys. Dial-up? That was the sound of my kicks loading!” He insists the internet’s true purpose was to serve as a global marketplace for his footwear, with every website secretly funneling hype to his brand.

According to Ye, the plan began in a Chicago basement, where he “hacked together the first modem with a Walkman and some sneaker laces.” He claims early internet pioneers were just “borrowing his vibe,” with Netscape and AOL acting as unwitting beta testers for his Yeezy vision. The evidence? A grainy photo of a young Ye holding a floppy disk labeled “YeezyOS 1.0,” which he says powered the first sneaker e-commerce site—years before eBay or Amazon.

Sneaker Mania and Tech Backlash

The claim sparked a frenzy. Sneakerheads flooded forums, hailing Ye as “the ultimate hypebeast coder,” with one fan vowing to “camp outside a server room for YeezyNet merch.” Tech experts, meanwhile, are apoplectic, with one historian snarking, “If Ye invented the internet, I’m Bill Gates’ barber.” A leaked email from a former AOL exec, however, adds fuel, hinting at a mysterious “sneaker-obsessed consultant” who pitched “a digital shoe revolution” in 1996.

The public’s split. Some see Ye as a chaotic genius, with a Paris fashion critic calling his claim “a bold rebrand of history.” Others smell a stunt, with a Silicon Valley coder quipping, “Ye coding HTML? He’d probably spell it Y-T-M-L.” Retailers report a spike in Yeezy searches, while tech museums are scrambling to fact-check Ye’s floppy disk. Ye, unfazed, doubled down: “Y’all are wearing my sneakers and surfing my internet. Show some respect.”

Digital Dream or Yeezy Yarn?

As Ye retreats to “redesign the web’s drip,” the world’s left grappling with his audacity. Did he really invent the internet to sell Yeezys, or is this a marketing ploy wilder than a Donda rollout? One thing’s certain: if Ye’s behind cyberspace, your next 404 error might just redirect to a Yeezy checkout page.

Jay Pritchett is a satirist who’s now wondering if his modem’s humming the beat to Jesus Walks.