SILICON VALLEY—In a move that could flip the chessboard and your senses, Lovense dropped a bombshell at a virtual tech expo yesterday, unveiling the Hush 3: a vibrating butt plug with integrated chess AI designed to “buzz you to a grandmaster win.” The company claims this silicone, app-controlled device can outwit top players like Magnus Carlsen while delivering “strategically timed thrills.” Anchored by the faint echo of the 2022 chess cheating scandal involving Hans Niemann and vibrating device rumors, this story’s wilder than a knight’s tour gone rogue.

The Checkmate Contraption

Lovense CEO Dan Liu, sporting a futuristic visor and an air of chaotic genius, introduced the Hush 3 during a livestreamed keynote dubbed “Checkmate Your Chakras.” “This ain’t your grandpa’s chess engine!” Liu declared, holding up a sleek, glowing Hush 3. “It’s got a Stockfish-powered AI that vibrates optimal moves in code directly to your, ahem, back rank. Play chess, feel the vibes, win the game!” The device, made of body-safe silicone and boasting up to 8 hours of battery life, syncs with the Lovense Remote app for solo play, long-distance partner control, or—apparently—clandestine tournament domination.

The Hush 3’s tech is straight out of a sci-fi fever dream. It reportedly translates chess moves into unique vibration patterns, letting users “feel” the best plays while maintaining a poker face. Liu boasted that beta testers crushed online matches while “enjoying discreet pleasure,” with one user allegedly climbing to a 2500 ELO rating during a particularly intense session. The plug’s waterproof design and magnetic charging make it ready for “any board, any bedroom,” with customizable patterns that can sync to music or live chess streams for an extra layer of chaos.

The Chess World’s Gambit

The announcement sent shockwaves through the chess community. Purists are livid, with one grandmaster calling it “an affront to the game’s integrity,” while tech-savvy players are intrigued, with a Reddit thread buzzing about “vibrating openings” revolutionizing blitz games. A viral clip of a chess streamer testing the Hush 3 mid-match—complete with a suspicious wince during a bishop sacrifice—racked up millions of views. Meanwhile, Hans Niemann, the center of the 2022 scandal, posted a cryptic emoji string (♟️🔥😉), fueling speculation he’s already a Hush 3 fan, though Lovense denies he was involved in testing.

Lovense isn’t backing down. Liu claimed the Hush 3 “democratizes chess brilliance,” arguing it’s no different from studying opening theory—except “way more fun.” He teased future updates, including a “Blitz Mode” for rapid-fire vibrations and a potential partnership with chess.com to integrate Hush 3 into online play. Privacy concerns linger, though, with a 2017 report noting Lovense devices’ hackability, prompting Liu to insist they’ve “locked down security tighter than a Sicilian Defense.”

A Bold Move or a Blunder?

As Liu retreats to “tweak the AI’s endgame,” the chess and tech worlds are in a frenzy. Is the Hush 3 a groundbreaking fusion of pleasure and strategy, or a cheeky stunt to make your rook blush? One thing’s clear: if Lovense’s latest toy can guide you to checkmate while keeping you, uh, engaged, the only thing getting pinned is your opponent’s king.

Lily Aldrin is a satirist who’s now wondering if her chess app’s sudden winning streak is more than just luck.