AUSTIN—In a spectacle that could outshine a supernova, Elon Musk took to a neon-lit SpaceX hangar yesterday to declare that humanity should welcome “alien overlords” and focus on his self-proclaimed role as the galaxy’s greatest visionary. The billionaire’s rant, delivered atop a Tesla Cybertruck, dismissed UFO conspiracies as “old news” while hyping his Mars colonization plans as the key to cosmic salvation. Anchored by the faint truth that Musk’s UFO fascination fuels endless speculation, this saga’s wilder than a Starship crash-landing on the moon.

The Galactic Pep Talk

Musk, clad in a metallic jacket that screamed “interstellar rockstar,” waved off alien rumors with the flair of a sci-fi showman. “Aliens? Been there, met them, got the t-shirt!” he shouted, pointing to a holographic display of a Martian city. “The real story is me—your Technoking—building a red planet paradise while you’re all stuck arguing about little green men!” He claimed extraterrestrials have been “chilling on Earth forever,” helping design everything from Stonehenge to his Neuralink chips, but insisted they’re “totally cool” and “love a good Tesla joyride.”

His pitch? Stop freaking out about alien overlords and rally behind his “epoch-defining” SpaceX mission. Musk bragged that his Starships are ready to ferry 1,000 humans to Mars by 2030, complete with “zero-gravity taco trucks” and “Doge-themed arcades.” He even claimed to have a “cosmic council” of alien advisors who’ve endorsed his plans, describing them as “super chill dudes with warp-drive know-how.” When pressed for proof, he flashed a blurry photo of himself high-fiving a shadowy figure with glowing eyes, captioned “Martian Bro.”

Earthly Chaos and Cosmic Hype

The speech sent the internet into a frenzy. Tech fans hailed Musk as a “galactic prophet,” with one user gushing, “Elon’s got alien wingmen and a Mars Airbnb—sign me up!” Skeptics, however, smelled a stunt, with a NASA scientist quipping, “If aliens are advising Musk, they forgot to teach him orbital mechanics.” A viral mock-up of Musk riding a UFO like a surfboard racked up millions of likes, while a conspiracy podcast claimed the aliens are bankrolling SpaceX to “colonize Earth first.”

Musk’s unbothered, doubling down with a promise to “throw the biggest interplanetary party ever” once Mars is settled. He took a jab at critics, saying, “Y’all are whining about UFOs while I’m terraforming planets.” Governments are rattled, with the UN forming a task force to investigate Musk’s “alien contacts,” while China’s space agency accused him of “stealing their Martian blueprints.” Meanwhile, Tesla stock surged as investors bet on “alien-tech” upgrades.

Interstellar Vision or Cosmic Con?

As Musk jets off to “brief his alien council,” the world’s left grappling with his latest bombshell. Is he really in cahoots with extraterrestrial overlords, or is this a wild ploy to keep SpaceX in the headlines? Either way, if Musk’s rallying humanity to embrace aliens and his cosmic ego, the only thing orbiting faster than his Starships is his audacity.

Cosmo Kramer is a satirist who’s now checking his Tesla for alien hitchhikers.