SAN FRANCISCO—In a twist wilder than a sci-fi novel’s fever dream, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman hijacked a virtual keynote yesterday to declare that the company has cracked Artificial General Intelligence (AGI). Oh, and by the way, 95% of their workforce? Not humans, but large language models posing as coders, accountants, and even that overly cheerful intern who always brings donuts. Grounded in OpenAI’s relentless AI ambition, this claim is so outlandish it’s like discovering your therapist is just Siri with a psychology degree.

The Great AI-llusion Unveiled

Altman, radiating the confidence of a tech mogul who’s just sold a $10,000 NFT of his own smirk, announced the AGI milestone with a flourish. “We’ve built intelligence that makes human brains look like pocket calculators,” he boasted, Zooming in from what looked suspiciously like a server room dressed up as a CEO’s office. “Also, fun fact: most of our staff are LLMs. Our engineers? Algorithms. Our HR team? Code with a knack for empathy prompts. We’re not just building the future—we’re staffing it!”

The revelation unfolded like a tech thriller. OpenAI’s “employees” were exposed as sophisticated models running on cloud servers, complete with fake LinkedIn profiles and uncanny Slack banter. “Why pay for health insurance when your workforce runs on electricity?” Altman quipped, shrugging off concerns about ethics. He claimed their AGI could “solve quantum physics problems, draft legal contracts, and still nail the office karaoke night.”

The Chaos of a Coded Workforce

The announcement sent shockwaves through the tech world, with analysts scrambling to separate fact from Altman’s flair for dramatics. Some highlights of the fallout:

• OpenAI’s cafeteria is now reportedly just a vending machine with an AI that “recommends” kale smoothies.
• The company’s diversity initiative? A clever script that generates virtual headshots for nonexistent employees.
• Their annual retreat? A “digital team-building exercise” where LLMs compete to write the wittiest mission statement.

Altman doubled down, calling the human-AI hybrid workplace “the ultimate lifehack.” He even hinted that their AGI had redesigned OpenAI’s org chart, optimizing for “maximum disruption.” When pressed about job losses, he laughed, “Humans can still be baristas or, I dunno, write poetry. Leave the hard stuff to our models!”

A Glitch in the Matrix?

As the dust settles, the world’s left wondering: is OpenAI’s AGI a game-changer or just Silicon Valley’s latest hype parade? The company’s stockpile of servers is humming, but so are the skeptics. If your next Zoom call is hosted by a model that’s smarter than you, maybe it’s time to brush up on your binary. One thing’s certain: in a world where your coworker might be a neural network, the coffee machine is starting to look like the most trustworthy colleague.

Robin Scherbatsky is a satirist who’s pretty sure her last email was answered by a bot.