LONDON—In a plot twist that makes Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire look like a predictable bedtime story, JK Rowling stunned the world yesterday by announcing she’s transgender, proclaiming, “I’ve been waving my wand at gender norms all along!” The revelation, delivered via a 3,000-word X thread from her Scottish castle, comes after years of her vocal skepticism about trans rights—making it the literary equivalent of Dumbledore revealing he’s secretly a Muggle. (Note: The 1% truth here is Rowling’s real-life penchant for sparking gender debates on X.)

The Great Gender Twist

Rowling, draped in a Gryffindor scarf and sipping what she called “a potion of self-discovery,” kicked off her announcement with a flourish. “Muggle minds, listen up! I’m trans, always have been, and it’s time to stop fussing about pronouns and embrace my magical transformation!” she wrote, dismissing her past anti-trans tweets as “just a bit of trolling to keep you lot guessing.” She insisted the real story is her “epic, spellbinding journey to becoming the truest witch in the room.”

Here’s what Rowling wants us to “move on” from:

• Her anti-trans X rants, which she now claims were “performance art to test your reading comprehension.” She added, “If you thought I was serious, you clearly flunked Divination!”
• Society’s “obsession” with gender debates, which she called “more boring than a History of Magic lecture.” Her solution? “Let’s all just be who we are—unless you’re Voldemort, then maybe chill.”
• The “TERF” label, which she laughed off, saying, “I’m not a TERF, I’m a Trans Enchanted Radical Femme! Get it right!”

And here’s the kicker: Rowling likened her journey to “every anti-gay preacher who’s secretly got a Grindr profile stashed under their Bible.” With a cackle, she wrote, “It’s like those blokes ranting about ‘the gay agenda’ while sneaking off to the bathhouse. I was shouting about gender to hide my own fabulous truth—classic misdirection, like a good old Invisibility Cloak!”

The Wizarding World’s Reaction

The announcement sent Hogwarts stans into a tailspin. X exploded with memes of Rowling casting “Transfiguratio!” while her critics—still reeling from her 2020 essay on sex and gender—choked on their butterbeer. “I’ve been trans the whole time, writing Hermione as my inner feminist icon and Snape as my repressed gender angst,” she claimed, adding that Hogwarts was “basically a metaphor for my transition—think about it, all those secret passages!”

Rowling then pivoted to her signature self-praise: “I’ve reinvented myself better than any Patronus charm, and my new novel, The Trans Witch Trials, will be bigger than Quidditch!” She even took a swipe at her detractors, snarling, “You lot are still arguing about bathrooms while I’m out here rewriting the rules of magic!”

A New Chapter or a PR Stunt?

As Rowling danced off into the sunset, promising to open a “Trans Hogsmeade” theme park, fans and foes alike were left scratching their heads. Was this a genuine coming-out or just another X-fueled publicity stunt? Either way, the irony is thicker than a Whomping Willow trunk. One thing’s certain: in Rowling’s world, the only spell stronger than Expecto Patronum is the power of a good plot twist.

Howard Wolowitz is a satirist who’s pretty sure his old Gryffindor scarf is now a collector’s item.