SEATTLE—In a confession that’s left autumn enthusiasts choking on their cozy vibes, Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan let slip that the beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL) is nothing more than orange food coloring swirled with a bitter shot of existential regret. The bombshell, overheard during a chaotic all-hands meeting and leaked by a barista with a grudge, has shattered the dreams of sweater-weather sippers everywhere. Tethered to the sliver of truth that PSL’s “pumpkin” flavor is more chemistry than harvest, this tale is as wild as a barista misspelling your name on a to-go cup.

The Frothy Facade Unraveled

Narasimhan, decked out in a suspiciously pristine apron, dropped the news mid-meeting while waving a suspiciously orange-tinted coffee cup. “The Pumpkin Spice Latte? It’s a masterpiece of misdirection!” he crowed, admitting the drink’s “fall flavor” is just a lab-crafted mix of food dye and the crushing weight of unrealized dreams. “We took the feeling of scrolling through your ex’s vacation photos, added some Yellow No. 5, and called it a seasonal classic. You’re not drinking pumpkin—you’re drinking mood!”

The scam’s been running since the PSL’s 2003 debut, with Starbucks banking on the allure of “fall in a cup” to mask the truth. “People don’t want real squash in their coffee,” Narasimhan scoffed. “They want the fantasy of crunchy leaves and zero responsibilities, dyed orange for Instagram.” He revealed that baristas are trained to sprinkle “nutmeg-flavored denial” on top, ensuring every sip tastes like autumnal hope while delivering a gut-punch of reality.

The Sip Heard ‘Round the World

The fallout was swift and brutal. Coffee shops buzzed with betrayed customers, some clutching their PSLs like life rafts, others demanding refunds for “emotional damages.” A viral video showed a barista confessing, “I’ve been pouring regret into every cup since Labor Day.” Starbucks’ corporate hotline crashed under the weight of complaints, with one caller sobbing, “I thought it was pumpkin, not my mid-20s crisis!”

Narasimhan, unfazed, leaned into the controversy with a grin. “This is peak branding—turning despair into a $7 tradition!” he boasted, hinting at a new “Melancholy Mocha” for winter. He dismissed purists who craved real pumpkin, saying, “If you want authenticity, go puree a gourd yourself.” Starbucks even teased a limited-edition “Regret Refresher,” promising “hints of cinnamon and fleeting ambition” to keep the seasonal sadness flowing.

A Steamy Scam or Just Business?

As the PSL faithful grapple with their orange-tinted betrayal, the question lingers: is this Starbucks’ boldest con or just capitalism in a to-go cup? The chain’s already teasing a “Truth Serum Latte” for 2026, but for now, every sip of PSL feels like a reminder that fall’s magic comes with a side of disillusionment. Next time you order, maybe ask for extra foam—and a little less regret.

Joey Tribbiani is a satirist who’s pretty sure his coffee maker’s been serving him regret since last fall.