SILICON VALLEY—In a revelation that’s sent shockwaves through the dating world, Tinder CEO Bernard Kim confessed yesterday that the app has been secretly pairing flat-Earthers with extraterrestrial beings since 2012, creating a cosmic cocktail of romance and chaos. Leaked through a rogue developer’s blog post, this bombshell reveals Tinder’s algorithm has been quietly orchestrating interstellar love matches, turning conspiracy theorists into unwitting cosmic Casanovas. Anchored by the sliver of truth that Tinder’s algorithm loves stirring up quirky controversies, this tale is wilder than a UFO sighting at a flat-Earth convention.

A Match Made in the Stars

During a chaotic Zoom call with investors—accidentally streamed to a Twitch channel dedicated to alien conspiracy theories—Kim, decked out in a tie-dye shirt with a neon “Area 51 VIP” logo, spilled the interstellar beans. “We’ve been connecting flat-Earthers with ETs for over a decade,” he declared, holding up a tablet displaying a heatmap of matches labeled “Project Star-Crossed.” The algorithm, he explained, flags profiles mentioning “flat Earth” or “globe propaganda” and pairs them with extraterrestrial users hailing from star systems like Zeta Reticuli. “It’s not a bug; it’s a feature!” Kim laughed. “Our AI saw ‘flat Earth’ in bios and thought, ‘Perfect, let’s introduce them to someone who’s literally out of this world!’”

The program, launched in 2012, uses advanced machine learning to identify flat-Earthers through keywords like “NASA lies” or “Earth’s edges.” These users are then matched with alien profiles, complete with bios like “Loves long walks on asteroids” or “Seeking a partner to debunk gravity together.” Kim boasted that the initiative has led to “thousands of interstellar connections,” including a rumored wedding aboard a UFO hovering over the Bermuda Triangle.

Cosmic Chaos Unleashed

The internet erupted faster than a supernova, with #TinderET trending across platforms. TikTok exploded with videos of users reenacting awkward first dates in crop circles, while Reddit’s r/Conspiracy subreddit overflowed with posts like, “My Tinder match asked if I believe in orbits—then invited me to Venus!” Bloggers speculated that Tinder’s been using alien tech to boost its matchmaking, with one viral post claiming, “The algorithm’s too perfect—it’s gotta be reverse-engineered from a crashed saucer!” Cable news ran with the story, with one anchor jokingly asking if Tinder’s stock surge was due to “Martian investors.”

Tinder’s PR team doubled down, releasing a cheeky statement: “Why limit love to one planet? Flat-Earthers and aliens are our boldest matches yet!” They teased a new “Galactic Glow-Up” filter, letting users add starry-eyed effects or virtual spacesuits to their profiles. Kim even hinted at a premium “Interstellar Tier” subscription, promising “date ideas straight from the Andromeda Galaxy.”

Intergalactic Love or Cosmic Prank?

As the world grapples with this revelation, questions swirl like a black hole. Is Tinder truly facilitating love across the cosmos, or is this a marketing stunt wilder than a flat-Earther’s PowerPoint? One thing’s certain: if Tinder’s matching humans with extraterrestrials, the dating pool just got a whole lot deeper—and weirder.

Tricia McMillan is a satirist who’s still waiting for a Tinder match to take her stargazing in a spaceship.