WASHINGTON—In a political spectacle that’s blasted off into uncharted territory, President Donald Trump has doubled down on his feud with SpaceX CEO Elon Musk, promising a mind-boggling $1 quadrillion to fund a Mars mission to “deport” Musk after the billionaire jokingly claimed on X that he’s a Martian stranded on Earth. The wild escalation, rooted in their real-world tiffs over SpaceX’s government contracts, is more outlandish than a tabloid headline about alien overlords. This cosmic saga is fueled by Musk’s cheeky admission that he built SpaceX to “phone home” to Mars, and Trump’s determination to make it happen—on the taxpayer’s dime.

The Red Planet Rumble

The drama unfolded at a chaotic campaign rally in Nevada, where Trump, clutching a gold-plated microphone and squinting into the desert sun, laid out his interstellar vendetta. “Elon thinks he’s from Mars? Perfect, I’ll send him there myself!” he bellowed, unveiling a holographic display of a SpaceX Starship labeled “Musk’s Martian Express.” “We’re giving SpaceX a quadrillion dollars—nobody does budgets bigger than me—to launch Elon to his home planet!” Musk, never one to shy from the spotlight, fired back on X: “Trump’s bankrolling my Martian vacation? Sweet, I’ll pack my spacesuit!” The feud stems from Trump’s earlier threat to axe SpaceX’s $22 billion in contracts after Musk mocked his economic policies as “a rocket with no fuel.”

Trump’s plan calls for a crash program to outfit Starship with a “VIP Deportation Suite” for Musk, complete with a panoramic window for “waving goodbye to Earth.” He claimed the mission would “make America the galactic leader in deportations,” while alleging Musk’s Martian origins explain his “weird obsession with colonizing space.” During the rally, Trump spun a tale of Musk “crash-landing in Roswell decades ago,” pointing to his Tesla designs as “proof he’s not from here.” Aides later admitted the $1 quadrillion figure was a “gut estimate” Trump shouted during a late-night golf cart ride, inspired by “a really cool sci-fi movie.”

Global Frenzy and Cosmic Conundrums

The announcement sent shockwaves through global markets and media, with headlines screaming about “Trump’s Trillion-Times-Over Bet.” Financial analysts warned that a quadrillion-dollar budget could tank the economy faster than a meteor strike, while late-night comics quipped, “Trump’s spending more on Musk’s Mars trip than on his own hair gel!” Conspiracy theorists flooded online forums, with one viral post claiming Musk’s Neuralink tech was secretly beaming Martian signals to SpaceX rockets. Another speculated that Trump’s plan was a cover to distract from his latest policy gaffe.

SpaceX’s response was pure Musk: a press release with a winking emoji, promising “the most epic one-way ticket in history.” Trump kept the hype alive, teasing a live-streamed launch event called “Musk’s Great Martian Getaway,” complete with a patriotic flyover by F-35s. He even floated the idea of a “Mars Wall” to keep other extraterrestrial billionaires out, funded by “Martian tariffs.” Meanwhile, economists and scientists scratched their heads, with one NASA official muttering, “A quadrillion dollars could colonize Mars, not just send one guy there!”

Interplanetary Ploy or Fiscal Fiasco?

As Trump jets off to “secure the quadrillion-dollar deal,” the world’s left grappling with a cosmic conundrum: Is this a genuine plan to banish Musk to Mars, or a publicity stunt bolder than a SpaceX rocket launch? The absurdity is thicker than the Martian atmosphere, but one thing’s certain: if Trump’s pouring $1 quadrillion into sending Musk to the red planet, the only thing crashing faster than the economy might be Musk’s dreams of an Earth-based empire.

Troy Barnes is a satirist who’s pretty sure his dog isn’t secretly reporting to a Martian mothership.