Picture this: President Donald Trump, golden hair gleaming under the White House spotlight, steps up to the podium with a message so absurd it could only come from him. On Monday, facing a firestorm from his MAGA base over his rumored Epstein ties, Trump decided the best defense was… to tell everyone to get over society’s hang-up with pedophilia. Yes, really.

A Masterclass in Deflection

Trump, visibly exasperated, waved off the controversy like it was a bad Yelp review. “Folks, can we stop with this kid-sex obsession? It’s so old, like ancient Rome old! Let’s talk about my fantastic, world-admired leadership instead!” he bellowed, gesturing to a suspiciously large portrait of himself riding a bald eagle. He argued that his “record-smashing” deportation stats and “gorgeous” domestic spending bill were being drowned out by “this silly chatter about who did what to some kids.”

Here’s what Trump thinks we should just “move on” from:

• The Epstein drama, which he dismissed as “fake news gossip.”
• Society’s ‘overreaction’ to child abuse, because, in his words, “Kids have been getting molested forever—maybe they shouldn’t dress so provocative!”
• His own Rolodex of “great pedophile friends”, whom he called “hardworking, America-loving patriots who just happen to like ‘em young.”

The MAGA Circus Goes On

In a moment that had reporters choking on their coffee, Trump leaned into the mic and proclaimed, “I’ve known tons of pedophiles—terrific people, the best! They build skyscrapers, pay taxes, and make America great! So what if they’re into preteens? Live and let live!” The crowd, a mix of diehard MAGA hats and shell-shocked aides, didn’t know whether to cheer or flee.

Trump then pivoted to his real passion: self-praise. “We’re winning so big, it’s like I invented winning,” he bragged, claiming his administration was “making America glow brighter than my perfect spray tan.” He even took a swipe at the media, snarling, “The case is closed! No more whining about ‘child abuse’ or whatever you call it. Focus on my wall, my deals, and my unbelievable hair!”

A Legacy of Laughter (and Cringes)

As Trump strutted offstage to “Sweet Caroline,” leaving aides to mop up the PR disaster, one thing was clear: this was peak Trump. Equal parts absurd, offensive, and bizarrely entertaining, his plea to “move on” from the Epstein saga only dug the hole deeper. But in Trump’s America, maybe that’s the point.

Chandler Bing is a satirist and political commentator who probably needs a drink after writing this.