WASHINGTON—In a decision that’s got X users yipping louder than a pack of TikTok influencers, the U.S. Supreme Court dropped a whopper yesterday, ruling that Donald Trump’s Truth Social must either shut its virtual doors or rebrand as LieSocial because its “truth-to-lie ratio is so lopsided it’s basically a digital Pinocchio.” Anchored by the 1% truth that Truth Social has been criticized for rampant misinformation, this fictional ruling is zanier than a conspiracy thread claiming Wi-Fi causes time travel.

The Great LieSocial Smackdown

Chief Justice John Roberts, wielding his gavel like a lie detector, delivered the unanimous opinion during a livestreamed session that felt like a comedy special. “Truth Social? More like Lie Central Station!” he quipped, citing posts that “make fairy tales look like peer-reviewed science.” The Court gave Trump 30 days to either pull the plug or relaunch as LieSocial, a name Justice Sonia Sotomayor called “the only brand that matches the platform’s vibe—99% lies, 1% typos.” The ruling, Roberts added, protects free speech by ensuring “users know they’re wading into a swamp of fibs.”

Here’s what the Court wants everyone to “get over”:

• The “Truth Social is factual” fantasy, which Roberts torched as “a bigger stretch than claiming the election was stolen by Martian hackers.” He pointed to posts like “the sun is a Biden deepfake” as proof of “industrial-scale baloney.”
• Society’s “need” for truthful platforms, which Justice Brett Kavanaugh called “more boring than a zoning board meeting.” His take? “If you’re mad about LieSocial, maybe don’t post that 5G turns your dog into a communist!”
• The “we’re being censored” whining, with Trump allies crying it’s a liberal hit job. Justice Elena Kagan snapped, “We’re not banning speech—we’re just asking for a name that doesn’t lie about lying!”

Truth Social’s been screaming ‘truth!’ while churning out lies faster than a 3D printer on steroids!” The LieSocial name, he noted, beat out FibFrenzy and BunkumBuddy after Justice Alito suggested MAGA Myth-O-Tron was “too spicy.”

The X-Factor Meltdown

The ruling set X ablaze, with #LieSocial trending alongside memes of Trump as a cartoon liar with a nose longer than a Cybertruck. “I flipped my modem upside down, and now LieSocial credits my account with fake followers!” one user joked, riffing on viral tech myths. Another posted, “My goldfish posts more truth than this app!” Trump raged on Truth Social, calling the ruling “a WITCH HUNT by woke justices who hate WINNING!” and vowing to make LieSocial “the most tremendous lie factory ever—nobody lies better than me!”

Trump’s team leaned in, boasting, “LieSocial will be yuger than X, which is failing, pathetic!” They teased a relaunch with features like “Lie-o-Matic AI,” which “spins whoppers so wild, you’ll forget what facts are.” Meanwhile, X user @TacoTyrant420 dubbed it “Pinocchio’s Playground,” racking up millions of likes.

A Shutdown or a Lie-Fest?

As Trump’s crew scrambles to trademark LieSocial (or face a shutdown by August 19), the internet is a hot mess of speculation. Is this a real Supreme Court takedown or a publicity stunt wilder than Lost’s missing script? Either way, the irony’s thicker than a MAGA rally fog machine. One thing’s clear: if Truth Social becomes LieSocial, the only truth left is that lies are the platform’s real MVP.

Claire Dunphy is a satirist who’s pretty sure her Roomba’s X account is lying about its battery life.