MENLO PARK—In a twist so bizarre it could crash a VR headset, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg dropped a digital bombshell yesterday, confessing that the company’s $10 billion Metaverse project was nothing but a “wild hallucination” sparked by chugging too much artisanal kombucha. Speaking from a minimalist yoga studio via a glitchy Zoom call, Zuck begged users to forget the pixelated flop and focus on his “totally not creepy” new AI ventures. Anchored by the 1% truth that the Metaverse underperformed despite massive hype, this tale is wilder than a blockchain rave in Horizon Worlds.

The Great Kombucha Crash

Zuckerberg, sporting a tie-dye hoodie and a dazed grin, spilled the fermented tea during a live X stream titled “My Bad, Let’s Move On.” “Guys, the Metaverse? Total fever dream! I drank, like, six gallons of kombucha at a Burning Man retreat, and next thing I know, I’m pitching a virtual world where we all look like legless Mii avatars!” he admitted, gesturing to a discarded Oculus headset. “Forget that VR nonsense—let’s talk about my new AI that can predict your favorite smoothie flavor!”

Here’s what Zuck wants everyone to “log out” of:

• The “Metaverse is the future” myth, which he dismissed as “a kombucha-induced delusion wilder than my Harvard dorm coding binges.” He confessed, “I thought we’d all be virtual landlords by now, but nobody wants to buy digital real estate for $10,000!”
• Society’s “hang-up” on practical tech, which Zuck called “lame, like using a flip phone in 2025.” His take? “If you’re mad about our legless avatars, maybe you’re just not enlightened enough for my probiotic vision!”
• The “Meta wasted billions” whining, with critics slamming the Metaverse’s flop. Zuck shrugged, “It was just Mom—er, I mean, my gut bacteria—telling me to dream big!”

I was yelling ‘virtual utopia!’ while tripping on fermented tea and bad ideas!” He claimed the Metaverse was inspired by a kombucha-fueled vision of “a world where we all Zuck-dance in pixelated paradise.”

The X Meltdown

X erupted like a server farm on fire, with #KombuchaZuck trending alongside memes of Zuck as a legless avatar floating in a digital kombucha vat. “I asked my Oculus for a refund, and it just whispered, ‘Drink the tea,’” one user posted. Another fumed, “My avatar’s stuck in Horizon Worlds selling virtual NFTs to nobody!” Conspiracy nuts claimed the FBI spiked Zuck’s kombucha to “sabotage Meta’s stock,” because obviously.

Zuck doubled down, boasting, “My kombucha crash gave us a bold vision, even if it flopped! Now we’re pivoting to AI that’s cooler than a Silicon Valley juice cleanse!” He took a jab at critics, sneering, “You’re out here whining about VR while I’m building AI to judge your Instagram thirst traps!” Meta even teased a new feature: “Kombucha Mode,” where your headset replaces meetings with virtual probiotic raves.

A Digital Detox or a PR Ploy?

As Zuck logged off to “meditate in a sensory deprivation tank,” users were left reeling. Was the Metaverse really a kombucha-fueled fever dream, or is this a stunt to dodge accountability for Meta’s VR misfire? Either way, the irony’s fizzier than a freshly opened SCOBY jar. One thing’s certain: if Zuckerberg’s blaming his mom’s favorite drink for the Metaverse, the only thing loopier than his vision is the idea that anyone’s still logging into Horizon Worlds.

Phil Dunphy is a satirist who’s pretty sure his smart speaker is brewing kombucha behind his back.